Love or Children

Sue Fagalde Lick began writing about being childless before many of us had spoken openly about our experiences. Her first book, Childless by Marriage, was published in 2012 and was a forerunner in shining the light on this subject. 

 In follow up to this book, Sue created a wonderful blog that offers support and community for other childless women. I’m delighted that Sue’s has published a new book: Love or Children: When You Can’t Have Both. It is a beautiful conversation using a compilation of Sue’s blog posts and comments from her readers.  

Sue’s story is similar to mine in that she is childless by marriage. But in her case, her husband already had three children and did not want more. In LOVE or CHILDREN, Sue covers all the terrain that comes with having wanted children and not having them. She also had older stepchildren who had a great relationship with their own mother. She writes about taking on the step-mothering role without being given the acknowledgement of this mothering. She writes of the sense of otherness, which becomes even more complicated when she becomes a widow. “What am I now to my stepchildren?” she asks. 

The experience of childlessness unfolds over a lifetime. It changes shape and has its ups and downs, its storms and smooth sailing. At one time we may embrace the joys and freedoms, at other times we feel the sense of otherness. I suppose in this way the experience of childlessness is not unlike the experience of parenthood in that each decade brings something new, new challenges or heartaches, and new joys and self-discovery. But the unique experience of being in a different role than the traditional path of parenthood is woven throughout the decades. Sue explores this throughout life, from the early longing in a chapter called “Baby Lust,” and on through to a chapter on “Old Age Without Children.” I love the conclusion she reaches, “Childless or not, you are on your own.” 

Sue’s writing is personal, revealing and authentic. This is a book that you can pick up and open at any chapter. For a childless person you may find yourself and your own feelings reflected here. And for the person who is not childless, you will find a deeper understanding of the childless and childfree people in your life. There are plenty of us, as Sue notes, about twenty percent of women don’t have children. 

This is a great book to add to the conversation on the path less taken.